This is the year I have decided to make one of the most impacting and positive changes in my life…one in which I never thought I would have the strength and courage to fulfil!
For the last few years of my life, long term sobriety has been necessary but never been followed upon in my everyday life because in a world where binge drinking is seemingly normalised, it’s hard to self identify and overcome these self destructive behaviours. This time is different, this year is all about change. Making the change, being the change, experiencing the change, but most importantly, loving and embracing the journey, both physically and emotionally of all things sober.
Throughout our lives we walk through both simple and difficult times and allow each of these to shape ourselves into the people that we choose to become.
Being at a point of recognition to these negative behaviours, sitting down to write this feels deeply daunting and fearful, yet empowering all within the same space and time. Throughout the last few years of my life, my behavioural patterns, lifestyle and personality took a shift for the worst. I slowly became somebody that I didn’t recognise, who those around me didn’t recognise or want to acknowledge. I became someone who pushed so hard to find their own sense of self with a world so socially constructed that through this attempt I became completely lost and unknown to myself and others.
I found myself within a spiral of destructive lifestyle choices and this was all a result fuelled by the overconsumption of alcohol, which for someone as susceptible to addiction as myself, was detrimental for both my mental, physical and emotional health, but further worse, heartbreaking for those closest around me. The process of losing ones self, within my personal experience, I found to be completely terrifying. To find yourself in a place where you no longer recognise the person/reflection staring back at you, but also not wanting to try, is one of the lowest places I have reached. In this state of mind, I found there is nothing that anyone around you can say or do to influence you to bring yourself back. For me the only way I could manage my sense of self, would be to not at all. To drown my self in alcohol, to drink to forget any grief, anxiety and depressive feelings. For some, they will never understand or experience this and they are incredibly lucky, for it is one of the most heart wrenching and painful experiences I have ever encountered within my life. Learning your capabilities as an individual is of such high importance, as without knowing where your strengths and weaknesses lie you may become unsure of yourself and the limits you possess.
Twenty Twenty for me is about waking up and avoiding ignorance to these behaviours, I am currently almost at the 3 month mark of sobriety as I write this, which is a point I never thought I would have reached with such strength and motivation. I have never faced the issues I have within my life so full on and with such a clear and aware mindset. It is an incredibly confronting feeling, yet also one of the most fulfilling experiences I have felt in my life.
Not everyday will be easy, but everyday will be worth it because each day on this new chapter of my life is a better day and a step in the right direction to become a renewed sense of myself. Someone who I am proud to be.